Sanna,

I know you don’t want to hear from me, hell I wouldn’t want to hear from me after the way I treated you. But I’d like to apologize. I know it’s been way too long for you to be able to forgive me and I accept that, I know that you’ll never forgive me and I treated you like shit and I shouldn’t have done that to you, you were kind and good to me and I tore your heart apart twice without any explanation. So feel free and delete this is if you or pretend I didn’t send this and go about with your life. I heard you have a girlfriend and that you’re happy, I’m really happy for you and I wish you the best out of life. I’m sorry for what I did and what I said to you, I’d like to explain but I don’t know if over message it will convey well, but here I go.
Do you remember after the talent show senior year, you kissed my cheek and got lipstick smudged on me, we walked hand in hand to go to the water fountain and we just smiled at each other for a minute. I swear my heart stopped right then and there. That was the moment I knew I had feelings for you, and not just friend feelings, I wanted to kiss you so bad right then and there but I ignored that instinct because I knew you’d never be interested in me and that I couldn’t come out because my mom wouldn’t accept it. So I held back my feelings for you and pretended that we were just best friends.
In July I found your tumblr post, you said you had feelings for me and it broke my heart because I wanted to be with you but I knew I couldn’t come out while I was living at home. I also knew that you still had unresolved feelings for Alex and that made me jealous. I’m not proud of how I treated you then or what I said when I lashed out. I was so jealous and confused and I didn’t want to tell you that I thought I was in love with you. It broke me and I took at out on you and that wasn’t fair.
Then I cut you out of my life. That was hell, I instantly started dating a guy away at college because he was emotionally unavailable and so was I, I needed someone to fill the void since I had lost you. He turned out to be petty and jealous of how much I cared about you. When I saw you over thanksgiving break and told you I loved you before I left I instantly broke into tears and called him, I knew it was you I was in love with but not him. But I thought I didn’t deserve you, I thought I deserved to be treated terribly by him.
He gave me an ultimatum, which was shitty and I’m so sorry I hurt you, he told me he’d never love me or speak to me again if I ever talked to you again. That broke me, I thought I loved him, I thought he was my world, so I got rid of you. I did it in the cruelest way because I wanted someone else to be in as much pain as I was. You didn’t deserve that. You deserve happiness and love.
I owe you so many apologies, but this message will have to suffice since I know you never want to see me again. I know this doesn’t make up for anything I said or did to you, but I wanted to tell you that ever since that day, I’ve wished I could tell you what really happened but I’ve been so broken and lost and now I finally worked up the nerve to write this to you.
I really hope you’re doing well. You truly are one of the best and kindest, and I know you’ll find happiness in your life. And I don’t know how many times I can say I’m sorry, but I owe you a million apologies. It’s okay if you don’t respond, it’s okay if you don’t ever acknowledge my existence, but I finally worked up the nerve to try and type out what my side of what happened is. So read this if you want, or delete in instantly. I just thought you deserved an explanation, I’m just sorry it’s a year and a half late.
Also I really like your tattoo, you truly are your own sunshine.
Julez.

I’m seeing someone new and it fucking scares me. I want to think I can handle opening up to another person but I am so scared to share who I am. I don’t know how to explain it to her, she’s so amazing, she’s kind, a great listener and respect my boundaries. I miss seeing her even though I saw her earlier today for ten minutes. I’m really worried I am going to fall for her and I am going to let love ruin me.

Fuck.

I owe so many apologies to all the people in my life.

But this isn’t a page for those people, this is a page for the people I’ll never talk to again, I’m so sorry. I am not a good person, I hope you forget me, don’t forgive me, I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I do ask that you forget me and move forward.

To one person in particular, I owe you so many tears and hugs, I am so sorry how much I hurt you, I hurt you because I was hurting and lying to myself and couldn’t accept who I really am. I couldn’t accept your love and you deserve so much happiness, I hope you find it. You were my rock and I am sorry I just abandoned you and I hurt you. I am sorry I let someone else twist me and hurt you, I owe you so much, but I know that I am not good for you, for I won’t ever contact you again. I just hope you are happy, truly, you deserve it.

-Sunshine

Hey Jacob,

Since I have no idea if we’re ever going to even meet in person, I figured I’d write you a note. See, I’m a fucking mess and its nice that you want a drinking buddy and someone to sleep with, but being the mess that I am. I’m scared I’ll become attached to you. We’ve been talking for almost a month almost everyday and it scares the shot out of me, people drop me usually at this point and I’m scared you’ll expect more of me than who I am.

Let’s just say I’m scared you won’t think I’m pretty and I really would like to have someone to spend time with, but I don’t think we’ll be anything other than friends at this point because I can’t be hurt again.

I can’t do that to myself.

That chick you messaged.

-J

Ryan,
Where do I begin?
You were my best friend and I wish I was gay so I never would’ve been attracted to you.
I never told you but it was bloody obvious. I hid my attraction and merely acted as if we were just two normal best friends.
Yeah it was stupid, but lets be real, if you had ever admitted to knowing I liked you and didn’t return the feelings it would’ve been worse.
Everything was okay between us.
We didn’t talk as much. You acted like a douche when I introduced you to my ex.
Then, here’s where it gets weird, when I turned to you after he broke my heart, you asked me for a lap dance.
Now see I was long since over you and if I would’ve done that things could only make my feelings come back for you.
Also that’s when I strictly decided to only sleep with women, I didn’t need another penis in my life.
I’m sorry things were so awkward but I no longer want to sleep with you and I know it would be meaningless, and I am not going to have meaningless sex with you unless I am drunk at a school reunion. Then feel free and hit me up, also bring Tequila, I like guys with Tequila.

I hope you’ve found a girl to make you happy.
Your old friend,
J.

Jared, you hot fool.
I’m sorry we never had more than a nigt of dancing.
You were too kind to me.
I’d like to thank you for being my dancing partners, most guys won’t deal with a girl for six hours, but then again you’re not most guys.
Thank you for not judging how hard that night was for me. I do feel absolutely rotten that you were my rebound. I knew that I could use the nature of our flirtatious friendship to my advantage,
and I am sorry I did that to you. My only question is why in the hell didn’t you kiss me. Actually that’s the question I have for myself, Why didn’t I kiss you, probably because I didn’t want to take advantage of the situation. I used you to make my ex jealous and you deserve better than to be a rebound.
I hope you find a girl that cares for you religious beliefs as much as you do and not as ridiculous as I do.
Next time I see you I hope you’re not single, actually I do hope you’re single but that for petty reasons, because I know that I will blatantly hit on you and most likely try and get in you pants, take that both figuratively and literally, tough I know nothing will happen because of your promise to God.
I hope you’re doing well,
until the next time we see each other,
your dancing partner,
J.

My dearest Emma,

I’m sorry I wasn’t/am not an attentive and always present girlfriend.

I haven’t the slightest of clues why you put up with me these last six months.

I’m god awful at commitment, you know this by now.

I owe you an apology for not always being there to text you back or send you a cute snapchat. You’re truly one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, thank you for getting me to open up again this last August. You’re beautiful, smart, and one of the sweetest women I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.

I hope we stay friends, minus the sexual tension, I’m sorry I am not comfortable being your first, I think you deserve someone better than me to share that moment with.

I hope you find your person, I can not wait to meet them, you deserve only the best and I’m sorry that can’t be me.

J.

Let’s start with the most recent bad decision I’ve made.

Josh and I dated for four months. During those five months I fell in love and thought that no matter what happened in the world, I would be okay because he understood my struggles and was trying to help me.

Let me preface this letter with a disclosure, don’t date someone that it emotionally and verbally manipulative and abusive. I don’t care how perfect they may seem and how happy they might make you feel. If the person if hurting you, don’t cling to them.

Now here’s where it all started out.

Josh, I am still going to have feelings for you, that in inevitable, you were the first boy to tell me I was beautiful and the first person I shared everything with. I cannot explain how nice it was to be able to tell you every single thing about me, when I was scared to share you’d get mad and very frustrated (red flag) but I knew it was because deep down you cared. I remember when we first approached the topic of sex. See you have been with a much larger number than I have. Also you were the first male for me. It was a big deal, even if it wasn’t really my forte, I was safe, in love and in some sort of way, happy.

I owe the fact that I stayed sober in college to you. I also owe you an apology. After you broke up with me I tried to kill myself. I didn’t succeed luckily but I did immediately text you and pretend I was just having car troubles. When you tols me we’d be better apart I was a wreck. Actually I thing a fucking wreck is more apropos but close enough. Your last words to me were don’ t ever fucking talk to me again.

You clearly didn’t take your own advice, seeing as how we’ve been in contact since October of this year. I’m happy you’ve found someone, really I am genuinely happy for you. I hope she is kind to you and helps you when you feel down. I also wish this weird friendship thing going on between us wasn’t so vague. I do want to be friends but clearly your idea of being a friend differs. Having me on social media and seeing my posts isn’t enough to me. Even though we aren’t lovers anymore I still wish we could talk like we used to. You were the first person tat didn’t judge me for my past and my bad decisions, you were the first person I ever gave my heart to and I’m sorry it didn’t work out.

Let’s be real though, we would probably hate each other if we were still dating, or worse, I’d be pregnant and we’d turn into the type of people our parents were.

I hope you really are okay. I miss our good times together, I don’t miss the sex.

The Love of your college life,

J.

How many times have I let love ruin me?

More than I’d care to admit out loud. It’s really difficult for me to be honest because I still don’t love myself. I actually hate myself a lot.

So to whoever reads this, these letters will be insight into the past ten years of my life. Letters and journals that I’ve never shared before, and notes to people no longer in my life, but I think about them daily.